I never said my life was easy or pleasant, or even one happy event after another. I do my very best to remain positive, and I dislike negativity in others so much that I'll go out of my way to turn it around to the positive. "Looking on the bright side" is something I practice on a daily basis. "Fake it till you make it" is one of my favorite things. Paste a smile on my face till it comes naturally. Some days it requires LOTS of effort. I just didn't "feel" it yesterday. I tried, I really did.... but after several agonizing hours, I realized it just wasn't going to happen. I gave up. I was very unhappy, depressed, and I just felt like I was surrounded by dark clouds. It wasn't just one event, it was a rapid succession of little things that had me feeling beaten down. I gave in to my depression and misery. I ignored phone calls, I curled up in a ball and hid in bed for most of the day. Later in the day, I went online and shared my misery with my facebook friends.(ACTUAL STATUS REPORT: When things feel as bad as they do now, I remind myself that things can only get better from here) Misery loves company, right? Notice that even though it was negative, I added a positive twist. Believe me, I really try to be positive. I went to bed last night still feeling unhappy and wanting to just hide under a rock. Bad dreams plagued my sleep, but in spite of it all, I felt better this morning. Nothing really changed, but my attitude was better.
I've decided that maybe it's okay to sometimes "allow" myself to be unhappy, even if it's a bit unreasonable. The world didn't collapse, and I really did have a much better day today. It was slow coming, but I can't complain. Did I mention that I no longer have the Saturn in my possession? Mom replaced it with a Ford Focus this afternoon. it helped a little in making me feel better, but most of it was just realizing that sometimes I need to just allow myself my feelings, even when they're not always good. Oh, and tonight? I'm doing a tiny quiet happy dance just because I can.
Well, bless your heart. I can relate to much of what you go through. I've been dealing with anxiety/depressive/obsessive illnesses since I was 12. Each morning that I wake up feeling normal, I do a tiny quiet happy dance, too! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm just grateful that the depression is short-lived.