Tomorrow (Friday) will make 18 weeks since my mom took her last breaths. It will also be my last Friday in my home. The place I spent my growing-up years in, since I was a little over 5 years old. The place where I left 2 weeks after my 19th birthday to join the Air Force. The place I returned to on September 12, 1996 after a bad marriage and a 3 week stint in a battered women's shelter with my 5 young boys. The place I've always called "home" no matter where I was. It's not really been home since mom died. It's been an empty shell of a place. The life and laughter sucked out. My sister comes by on a regular basis to "check on" me, much like a vulture circling its prey. Her presence only disturbs me, and I feel more and more like a mouse in a snake cage, just waiting for that strike, for my breath to be squeezed out of me then eaten whole. There is no peace. The silence, when I find it, is deafening, and the noise of her voice and rants only serves to further disturb my peace of mind, my sense of self. This weekend I move to my 'new' house. A new living situation. I alternately look forward to it and dread it.
I'm fragile these days, I'm teetering on the edge, afraid to fall and hoping to fly but still only seeing darkness. I have a very special person, a trusted friend, who listens to me and puts up with my tears and frustrations. He constantly reassures me that I'm okay, I'm doing fine, better than most people and that I'll get through this. I just feel crazy. Not the good kind either. Just afraid of everything. Sparky, if you see this, I want you to know I really appreciate your patience and sweetness with me. I'm supposed to be the strong woman, and lately I've been a frightened little girl. I Love you and I'm very grateful to have someone like you in my life that never refuses me when I ask for help and guidance. I promise you, I won't always be like this, and someday soon, we can look back at all this darkness and see it for what it is: A pad\ssing storm cloud. Yes, I know it's just a storm cloud, but right now, at this very moment, it feels like the sun has been ripped out of the sky, never to return, and no amount of knowledge to the contrary will change it for me.
Child #4 has not been well. His seizures have gotten more frequent and his condition is not good. I worry about him., about me, about us. Tsunami is getting boarded and micro-chipped this weekend. I've lost so much, I don't want to lose him. Fiona has had her info updated. So much to still do.
I'll hopefully update this soon. Maybe even with good news.
No comments:
Post a Comment