Is It Necessary?

Do I need it? Does having it really matter at all? I know the answer. It's no. I don't need it at all. What is "it"? Well..."it" is actually more than just one thing...

BACKGROUND

In January 2003 I was away on a vacation with my then-boyfriend and we had just climbed into bed and he was gently stroking my body when he suddenly stopped. He had a very unusual pained look on his face. I thought maybe he was sick, but he just looked at me and didn't say anything. It was only a few seconds, but it felt like forever. I didn't know how to react when he said "You have a lump in your left breast" It's not something you ever want to hear, but especially just as you're about to have sex with someone. We cut our trip short (we never did have sex that week) and I saw the doctor. There was a series of tests and I had the lump removed (it was benign) in April that year.


During that time, before I had the answers, I remember feeling lost and worried. What if it was cancer? What if I lost my breast and hair? I wasn't really that worried about not having a breast. I was more worried about not having any hair! I think that's funny now, because over the past few years I've shaved my head a few times, and I discovered that I actually enjoy the shaved head look. Funny, huh?


Going through my mom's recent episode of breast cancer and radiation, I had the opportunity to meet the women who had been through chemo and lost their hair and I told them about shaving my head and that they are beautiful even without the hair. I'd like to think that they felt better about themselves because of something I said.


So, what's all this about? I had pain and swelling in my left breast two weeks ago. One week ago I upped my vitamin intake and the pain and swelling went away, but a few days ago, I found a lump in my breast. I thought if I ignored it, it would go away (it hasn't) and now I'm (justifiably) worried. The first thought running through my head is "what if it's cancer?" Well, I already know what I'd choose to do. I don't care about losing a breast or losing my hair or getting sick or losing weight. I guess I'm just worried about cancer in general and the aggressive form of breast cancer that mom has. Sure, it appears that they got it all, but mom had normal mammograms up until the recent diagnosis. With me not being able to see a doctor until Friday next week I'm getting a bit worried and antsy.


Well, that's it. Not horrible news, but definitely not good either.