Distracted?

Not particularly...


What can I say? I'm doing the very best I can... I know that when I first found that (annoying) lump in my left breast, I complained almost constantly about it. Not that it hurt, because there is no pain, but that it was just there. A suggestion that I'm not exempt, I'm not safe. To be told by the breast specialist that yes, it's a lump, only caused me frustration. Stating the obvious isn't comforting, but it serves as a reminder that while I can be crazy, I'm not insane and imagining things that aren't there. Fine! We know I have a lump, now what? I'm reassured by her that my piercings have nothing to do with it was another DUH! moment for me. I'm angry. Angry that I have a lump and angry that I have no answers. I'm told that I will have a mammogram and sonogram of my breast on July 25th. That's ten days from when I see the breast specialist. They will do additional tests. They will tell me if it's cancer. I will have my answers and I can make plans after that. I can deal with that. I write about my anxiety of not knowing, my fears, not that it's cancer, but my fears that if it is cancer (and "if" is a big word) it will spread while I'm waiting for results. I make decisions. I plan as if it is cancer, and I decide what type of surgery I'd want and what types of therapy I'd prefer. I get proactive, yet I avoid making plans for August because I don't have an answer yet.


Finally, the ten miserable days are up. I get prepared for the tests and wind up driving myself. I don't mind though, because I'll have my answers. The mammogram isn't horribly unpleasant, but the sonogram (normally easier than a mammogram) is torture. I do my best to lay still and not jump off the table and run away screaming. I cry softly as the pressure increases on my breast and left nipple. I'm not afraid. It just hurts. The radiologist comes in and says my breast tissue is dense (another DUH! moment. I have a few calcifications, but the breast specialist needs to see me and decide a course of action. I want to scream in anger because I hurt so badly, and I'm being forced to wait another week and I have an idea that I'll be forced to get more (painful) tests before I can get my answers. I'm unhappy and I cry as I drive home.


Some Enlightenment

I've been through the whole "I have a lump" process. It was removed from my left breast in 2003. It wasn't cancer, but it was scary, and I had different fears then. I've been through my mom's breast cancer, I watched her endure a shitload of unnecessary tests. Unnecessary, because it was obviously cancer. What I never revealed until now is that she had calcifications that became cancerous. I have calcifications. Do you see where this is going? It just makes things even worse for me. I want to scream "Just get it over with already!" I realize that most of the time, history rarely repeats itself, but this isn't my first rodeo, and I've faced this bull before... Only now, it's bigger and meaner and I'm a bit tired out. It's not a good combination.


I've refrained from writing out my frustrations this week other than the long-winded report that I wrote on the 26th. I'm tired, I'm depressed. I've fallen into a dark hole and I can't get out. I tried "faking it" I really did. For the first time in a long time, it's done nothing. It's not working. I've tried various distractions, but to no avail. I even debated getting a tattoo or piercing to pull myself out, but I decided that it would do more harm than good, and I have a pretty good idea that nobody who knows me will touch me until I have an answer. It's just bad, Really bad. Mom has been trying to get me to do things by nagging at me. It only pisses me off more. I yell at her in frustration. I avoid going to bed until I'm exhausted because I don't want Stitch to touch me. I don't want sex. I just want to sleep alone, Tsunami (my cat) sleeps in bed next to me after Stitch leaves for work. Fiona (my dog) stays in the bedroom with me every night until Stitch leaves in the early morning. She "guards" me, and growls threateningly at anyone who even passes too close to my room. I blew off the reunion I had made reservations for this weekend. I didn't want to get dressed and look at people and put on a forced smile. I slept instead. I'm still trying to do at least a few things, I still cook and I've been shopping for necessities, but instead of going to my regular store, I go to the one that's a little further away, so I can just avoid any human interaction with people who know me. It does little to lift my spirits, but I prefer it this way. The one exception to the rule was that I ran out of gloves Friday and went to the supply store to get it. These people know me very well, and if I'm miserable, they know enough to let me be me. One person in particular has a way of drawing me out when I'm in a bad spot. She had pretty hair this time and she shared how she did it, I might have pretty hair too sometime soon, but I need to get the energy to do it.